The worst video game movies ever made – the humble opinion of Shan Cassim bachelor of this parish. Part 5.

6.  Tekken (2010)

Yes People this Movie Does Exist!

I can honesty say that I really didn’t know the existence of this movie until I typed in the words “Tekken” and “Movie” into IMDB as a joke.  Imagine my surprise, when I accidentally stumbled upon a trailer to it.  Turns out that this was released sometime this year. How it slipped under the radar is anybody’s guess.  The original Playstation game in which this is based was unfairly maligned for being something of a second rate ‘Street Fighter.’  I’ll admit that on playing it, I didn’t really get the same thrill as I did with ‘Street Fighter.’  The game play lacked the complexity and the colourful array of characters you would normally expect.  It was however a good way to pass the time when bored and it was a simple and familiar concept to grasp.  Choose a fighter and fight your way to the top.  That’s it, simple!

So who are the clever clogs that thought this would make a decent video game adaptation?  Had they not seen ‘Street Fighter,’ (The 94, version) ‘Mortal Kombat’ or worse ‘Double Dragon?’  Maybe they were under the misguided impression that those were masterpieces.  Yeah because they were so rich in subtle characterisation, stimulating visuals and breathtaking cinematography weren’t they?  Sarcasm aside, it really beggars belief that anyone thought this was a good idea.  I mean the game features characters such as a dinosaur with boxing gloves and plank of wood that fights. (Stop giggling!)  The movie wisely does away with such characters but it’s so unintentionally hilarious I actually thought I was watching the world’s most expensive comedy.

The Plot for what its worth

It’s the year 2039 and civilisation is under ruin, America is now under the rule of evil corporations doing evil corporation things.  (One is reminded of a similar joke played out in Team America: World Police by the ‘Alec Baldwin’ puppet.)  The mightiest of these is the Tekken Corporation, who runs the whole of North America.  In order to satiate the bloodlust of the citizens of this strange dystopia, Tekken Corporation sponsors the ‘King of the Iron Fist Tournament.’  (Tekken is the Japanese word for Iron Fist.  See what they did there?)  The last of the fighters who are left standing win the tournament.

We meet our protagonist Jin Kazama (John Foo) fleeing the police for reasons unknown.  He manages to hide at his girlfriends place then get back home where his mother is waiting for him.  (Or maybe it was the other way round?  I can’t be sure.)  His mother Jun (Tamlyn Tomita) is important to the story, as she is the one who trained Jin in the mixed martial arts.  We know this courtesy of the many flash backs we see throughout the course of the movie.  Whilst Jin is out goons sent by CEO of Tekken Corporation Heihachi Mishima, (Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa wearing a ridiculous wig) kill Jun.

Jin is unfortunate enough to witness said murder and swears revenge on Mishima.  He enrols himself in an underground cage fight organised by Steve Fox (Luke Goss.  Yes THAT Luke Goss!) retired English Boxer.  Whoever wins the cage fight wins automatic entry into ‘The King of the Iron Fist Tournament.’  Jin wins the fight and reluctantly teams up with Fox to win said tournament.  At the tournament training facility he meets a colourful array of fighters including boxer Raven (Darrin Dewin Henson), cyborg warrior Bryan Fury(Gary Daniels) and co.  He takes a shine to one fighter Christie Monteiro (Kelly Overton) and develops a ‘bond’ with her (what would his girlfriend think I wonder?).  So begins his quest for vengeance.

Why this Movie is Stupid

It has to be said that this movie is full of violence, sex and sleaze and I mean full of it.  That is good in a way, as it doesn’t shy away from what a lawless dystopia might seem like a couple of decades from now.  The fight scenes are authentic in the manner of a UFC cage fight so you can tell that some effort went into the choreography.  Some of the fighters’ costumes looked rather colourful too. They reminded me of the Japanese cosplayers you see quite often in Tokyo.  The costume designers must have had some fun.

Of course none of this is a guarantee for quality, as you need a decent storyline and memorable characters to make it vaguely original.  This movie is not original by any stretch of the imagination and as for a decent storyline and memorable characters?  Forget about it!  For starters, like other countless video game adaptations it rips off scenes from other superior movies.  It probably thinks we wouldn’t notice but I think we are a lot wiser than that!  The dystopian future is such an obvious take off Blade Runner, Minority Report and I Robot.  The wise mentor (in this case Jin’s Mum) recalls Yoda (a better looking one) off Empire Strikes Back, whilst the trainer who tries to motivate his fighter before the big fight is soooooo Rocky.  They’ve also managed to sneak in a plot about Jin’s long lost father which is another take off Empire Strikes Back’s “Luke I am your father” moment.

We then have the dialogue or direlogue if you will.  This is where a lot the unintentional hilarity comes in.  “Your boyfriends cute!” says one female fighter during a bout between her and Monteiro.  “I don’t share!” comes the reply duly followed by a nasty dropkick to the face.  Or how about this clichéd bit of nonsense from Jin’s mother during the obligatory flashback sequence “You must find your enemy’s weakness!”  Ahh the flashbacks!  There are just so many of them!  They interrupt every fight scene it was enough to give me a headache.  After the ten billionth flashback, I had to reach for the paracetamol.

Oh and the acting!  Foo actually isn’t too bad.  This guy had an uncredited role in ‘Batman Begins’ and has also shared screen time with Tony Jaa.  The experience has obviously rubbed off on him and with a better script he may go places.  The rest of the cast however are just terrible.  The worst offender is Tagawa playing the villainous Mishima.  His is a performance so hammy it comes with eggs!  He’s just reprising his Sang Tsung character from Mortal Kombat and there isn’t one iota of originality or intelligence to the performance.  The less said about Luke Goss, the better!  I think you could replace the plank of wood from the game with any of these characters and it would still make no difference.

The Good Bachelors Conclusion

As with “Streetfighter: The Legend of Chun Li,” it tries to set up a sequel that will never come in a million years.  This movie will probably disappear quickly from my conscience as it entered it.  I think the sooner that happens the better. You would all be well advised to avoid this at all costs.

The worst video game movies ever made – the humble opinion of Shan Cassim bachelor of this parish. Part 4.

7. Mortal Kombat (1995)

Mr Paul WS Anderson and Martial Arts Movies

This is director Paul WS Anderson’s first foray into video game adaptations way before he gained notoriety with the interminable Resident Evil franchise.  I know a lot of people at the time liked it (myself included – call it the folly of youth!) and it did do well at the box office.  The original game was nothing special, a Beat Em Up with echoes of Streetfigher but lacking the depth. Hindsight though can be a wonderful thing, as you can analyse all the mistakes you made as a youngster, and learn from them.  Amongst the many mistakes I made was convincing my parents to let me watch this at my cousin’s house.  Well never again!

Martial arts movies are cool after all and their stars even more so.  First there was the late Bruce Lee.  Although plot wise his movies were nothing special, he had screen presence.  His effortless charisma and amazing moves were a joy to behold.  (The nunchuck scene in ‘Enter the Dragon’ will always stick in my memory.)  Then we have the ever-likeable Jackie Chan.  In movies as diverse as ‘Drunken Master,’ ‘Operation Condor’ and ‘Project A’ he managed to marry Tex Avery style slapstick with traditional martial arts moves to charming effect.  He lost his way somewhat after going to Hollywood but he still to this day remains an engaging screen presence.

Jet Li was pretty good too before Hollywood came a calling.  His “Fist of Legend” (Itself a remake of Bruce Lee’s “Fist of Fury”) was a brutal, unflinching and fearless movie that pulled no punches when it came to chopsocky action.  It was also a scathing attack on Imperial Japan’s bullying attitude towards the Chinese during the Second World War.  It managed to sneak in a bit of social commentary so it was all the more fascinating.  The characters were easy to warm to because they were students of a dying martial arts school which was due to be demolished by the Japanese army.  A rival school run by the Japanese constantly taunted them and they were constantly under threat.  These guys were fighting for survival in an ever-changing world and it made it easy to care about them come the fight scenes.  It was probably the more poignant of the martial arts movies I’ve seen thus far.

Tony Jaa is also a recent one with his ubiquitous “Ong Bak” putting Muay Thai on the movie map. He’s shown us that you can choreograph kick ass fight scenes on screen for real without the aid of a laptop computer.  It remains to be seen where he goes from here, but on the evidence of his other movies “Warrior King” and “Ong Bak: The Beginning” the omens are good!

Read the Plot if you Dare!

Now lets compare all of these to ‘Mortal Kombat.’  Would any of the adjectives that I have used to describe these guys and their movies apply here?  Amazing?  Only if you add ‘……ly bad’ at the end.  Charming?  No way Jose!  Brutal?  Unflinching?  As much so as an average episode of “Spongebob Squarepants.”  There’s a reason I’ve highlighted these adjectives, as I believe they are the qualities all good martial arts movies should have.  Over to the ‘plot’ then!

Once every generation a martial arts tournament known as Mortal Kombat designed by the Elder Gods is held.  The idea is to limit the amount of invasions between the realms of the universe.  (Think the World Cup for martial arts but with more at stake.)  Unfortunately fighters from the realm of the Outworld universe have won the last 9 consecutive tournaments.  If one of them wins the next Mortal Kombat, it will give evil emperor of the Outworld Shao Khan unlimited power, and we would be looking at a doomsday scenario.

Defender of the Earthrealm universe Raiden (Highlander himself, Mr Christopher Lambert) summons Shaolin warrior Liu Kang (Robin Shou who also played Gen in Streetfighter), Hollywood action star Johnny Cage (Lindon Ashby) and U.S. Special Forces soldier Sonya Blade (Bridget Wilson aka Mrs Pete Sampras).  These guys are handpicked to win the tournament so they can stop the Outworld fighters from winning a tenth consecutive time and save the world. (Yawn!)

The warriors have their own reason for taking part.  Liu Kang wants to avenge the death of his brother who was killed by Outworld sorcerer Shang Tsung (Cary Hiroyuki Tagawa).  Ditto Sonya Blade whose partner was killed in the line of duty by crime lord Kano (Trevor Goddard).  Johnny Cage on the other hand, merely seeks fame and glory for saving the world after the media brand him a fake.  They go on a ship that takes them to Shang Tsung’s Island where the tournament is taking place. Once there they team up with Princess Kitana (Talisa Soto) and fight evil as it were.

We can’t really write a Mortal Kombat review without mentioning THAT soundtrack!  The soundtrack is so iconic it’s become one of the main features of the film.  When you hear that cheesetastic Techno score, you know you’re watching a Mortal Kombat movie. It’s so comforting that it’s a bit like the John Williams Star Wars theme.  That unfortunately, is the only memorable feature in what is otherwise a redundant movie.  If I watched it for the soundtrack alone, I would probably save my cash and buy the album instead.

Dated Nonsense

With the benefit of hindsight, it’s a lot easier to analyse the flaws.  Watching the movie now I realised how similar to ‘Enter the Dragon’ it is in terms of story and character.  Did the scriptwriters make a photocopy of its script, replace the characters and tweak the plot until it all made a bit of sense?  I can’t really be sure, but it felt like I was watching a really bad remake with cheapo special effects added in for no reason.

Then we have the fight scenes and my goodness they come by the bucket load!  Every frame, every second is dominated by a fight scene of some kind you at times forget what the plot is.  All of this is fine; after all we are in martial arts B movie territory, it would be churlish to complain that there is too many fight scenes and too little plot.  My problem is that it’s hard to distinguish each and every fight scene such is their similarity. They eventually blur into one giant fight scene.  The other problem is that none of them have the distinctive edge that Lee brought to his movies.  The Hall of Mirror scene from ‘Enter the Dragon’ was so memorable and unusual visually, that I still haven’t seen anything that matches it even to this day.

There is something rather cheap about the production values of this movie. It timidly tries to bring together computer effects with things like clay animation.  The sets also resemble that of a ghost house in a theme park. You begin to wonder what exactly Anderson spent his budget on.  Script?  To quote Andy Millman from Extra’s “You’re ‘avin a laugh!”  Actors?  Lambert and Wilson are the only high profile names and that’s saying something!  It all looks so cheap and dated it never really convinces as a Hollywood blockbuster or a martial arts movie.  That would be easy to forgive if it was made in the 60’s or 70’s but this is 1995!  Post Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Terminator, special effects were supposed to be at their peak.  How can a blockbuster get away with such shoddy values?  It just looks like a movie that is so behind the times it beggars belief!

The Good Bachelors Conclusion

As I am writing this review, I have now learned that a reboot starring kickboxing legend Michael Jai White is in the pipeline.  The trailer for it looks quite promising too.  It looks like a martial arts movie as directed by David Fincher with elements of a police procedural thriller.  But we’ve been down this road before with video game adaptations.  It’s probably best to take this news with a pinch of salt.  Will it succeed where this one fails?  Only time will tell!

The worst video game movies ever made – the humble opinion of Shan Cassim bachelor of this parish. Part 3.

Hitman (2007)

Crushed Expectations

When I news broke out that they were going to do a movie adaptation of Hitman I was excited.  Then I saw the trailer and my excitement increased to almost unprecedented levels.  The original game in which it is based, you played the role of an assassin and went on high profile missions eliminating a host of targets from right wing leaders to sleazy politicians and so on.  It was ripe for a decent adaptation.  Movies based on lone wolf assassins have been pretty good thus far.

Luc Besson’s “Leon” for instance was an American action film with a uniquely Gallic flavour. It was as much about the relationship between Jean Reno’s title character and Natalie Portman’s orphan Mathilda as the action sequences.

John Woo’s “The Killer” boasted an effortlessly cool and iconic performance from the indomitable Chow Yun Fat and some of the most breathtaking gunfights brought to screen.

Jim Jarmusch’s “Ghost Dog: The Way of the Samurai” expertly blended Gangster, Martial Arts movies and Independent Cinema in a way only Jarmusch can.  To top it off, it had a scene stealing turn from Forest Whitaker and an ace soundtrack courtesy of the Wu-Tang-Clan’s RZA.

After watching this movie, my heart sank and I had a strange mixture of feelings. That of disappointment, sadness and de ja vu all rolled into one.  “Here we go again!  Another bad video game adaptation!” I thought to myself.  It has none of the qualities of the movies I have just mentioned.  One of the most annoying things about it is that it treats us the viewer as if we are stupid it’s almost insulting and offensive.  But more on that later!  Lets get to the ‘story’ shall we?

Oh Yeah! The Plot

The movie opens with a scene where we see a bunch of bald kids having barcodes tattooed on the back of their heads and being trained in the use of firearms and unarmed combat.  Flash forward a few years later and Interpol agent Mark Whittier (Dougray Scott) comes home from work, only to find Agent 47 (Timothy Olyphant) waiting in his study.  The two decide to talk.  The scene, flash backs 3 months where we see Agent 47 completing a hit of a war criminal in Nigeria.  Whilst there he receives a communication from his agency contact Diana (played by a laptop – I’m not kidding), telling him to assassinate Russian president Mikhail Belicoff.

Agent 47 goes to Russia to kill Belicoff and succeeds.  He hits him at point blank range at a rally but there’s a problem.  A prostitute called Nika (Olga Kurylenko) witnesses the murder and even worse manages to somehow ID him.  Diana informs Agent 47 that Nika must be eliminated and so he goes about it.  However when he comes into contact with her, he decides not to kill her presumably because he thinks she’s got a heart of gold.  The Agency (we still don’t what it’s name is even at this stage) gets hold of this and dispatches assassins to eliminate both of them and so Agent 47 and Nika go on the run.

In the meantime, Whittier and his partner investigate the murder of Belicoff with the help of the Russian police lead by detective Yuri Markloff (Robert Knepper).  Cue much head butting over jurisdiction in the most generic cop movie fashion.  Their investigation leads them to Hitman and Nika. It turns into a race against time thriller as to who will get to them first.  The Agency? (I’m calling them that) Interpol? Or will it be the Russian Police?

What Went Wrong.

Firstly the positives, the basic premise of the movie is not too bad.  Unoriginal it may be but it does at least have the makings of a decent Friday night entertainment.  The action sequences have a bizarre surreal edge to them.  One sequence revolves around a gunfight, which turns into a four-way swordfight.  It’s so barmy and hilarious you just have to go with the flow.  That’s about it really.

Otherwise it’s just the pits.  Everybody is so badly miscast it shows in the performances.  Olyphant normally such a reliable performer is horribly out of his depth as the title character.  He fails to inject the character with any kind of humour or pathos in the way Matt Damon did as Jason Bourne.  Then we have Kurylenko whose role it seems is to just wear skimpy clothes and look sexy, but not act in a subtle or nuanced way.  (Thankfully both have done better since, the former in the excellent FX TV series ‘Justified,’ and the latter in the underrated Bond film ‘Quantum of Solace’ respectively.)  Scott’s Interpol agent looks and sounds like someone who wandered on set drunk and delivers his lines in such manner.  It also manages to shoehorn several actors from popular TV shows ‘Lost’ and the now defunct ‘Prison Break’ presumably because they were on TV and nothing else.  Goodness gracious, is that Desmond Hume as an arms dealer?  That can’t be T-Bag as a Russian detective?

I can’t even go onto describe how huge the plot holes are it’s just ridiculous.  You could drive a tank through them.  An assassin’s aim is surely to keep a low profile and make oneself as anonymous as possible.  So why does The Agency give all assassins that distinctive bald headed look with the barcode tattoos.  Surely that would make them stand out like a sore thumb?  Also the movie reliably informs us that The Agency is an organisation so secret that nobody knows it exists.  If it’s so secret then who on earth hires them?  Do they just pick targets at random?  It’s also unclear as to when the story is taking place, no thanks to the numerous clunking flash backs and flash forwards.

To call Hitman ‘generic’ would be an understatement of epic proportions.  At one point they use the score from The Bourne franchise.  I don’t mean rip it off, that would at least require an ounce of originality somewhere.  No!  They lift it completely!  That just smacks of laziness on the directors part.  The opening training montage with the kids also looks suspiciously like the opening to Jessica Alba’s breakthrough TV hit “Dark Angel.”  Maybe they lifted that scene too.

What is so stupid and ugly and offensive about this movie, however is that it treats us the audience as if we’re stupid.  At one point it informs us that we are in London, England.  So London is in England?  Who knew?  Geography wasn’t my favourite subject at school and I’ll admit now I wasn’t brilliant at it.  But I’m not stupid enough to not know where the capital of my country is!  Whatever next are they going to tell us that bears defecate in woods?

The Good Bachelors Conclusion

I could mention further flaws of this movie but I might end up writing something as long as ‘War and Peace.’  This movie proves that even with a big budget and some reasonably good special effects, video game adaptations still stink.  I certainly hope that they don’t turn this into a franchise or we’re really in trouble!

The worst video game movies ever made – the humble opinion of Shan Cassim bachelor of this parish. Part 2.

9. Alone in the Dark (2005)

The Genius Mind of Mr Uwe Boll

We can’t really have a top 10 worst video game blog without mentioning the work of Uwe Boll.  The mad German director is probably the closest there is to noughties equivalent to Ed Wood Jr.  Only difference is that at least with Ed Wood Jr, there was a kind of naïve charm to his bad movies.  “Plan 9 from Outer Space” is a masterpiece in bad filmmaking.  Its cardboard props and monster suits were obviously of their time but they were charming in a way Mr Boll’s movies aren’t.

I have only seen two of his movies (this and Bloodrayne) but both movies are so bad it’s difficult to choose a winner.  I think this movie edges it slightly.  Bloodrayne though bad, was at least aware of its own badness. This one however, takes itself so seriously you wonder if Mr Boll knew how stupid it all was whilst filming it.

Oh Yeah!  The ‘Plot’

The plot?  From what I can recall it goes something like this.  We are first introduced to a character called Edward Carnaby sitting in a plane having nightmare visions.  It’s not really clear what these nightmare visions are but I think it has something to do with him hiding himself from strange alien like creatures.  For all I know he could be having nightmares about his first day back at school such is the clarity of the vision.  It’s worth noting that Carnaby has supernatural powers just like every creepy kid you see in horror movies.

Fast forward several years and Carnaby (Christian Slater) is now detective of the paranormal working for some ultra secret government agency.  We first see him looking for the remains of an ancient Indian tribe, The Abkani that mysteriously disappeared centuries before.  There he finds a piece that may help him uncover this mystery. He takes it to a museum where his sexy anthropologist girlfriend Aline Cedrac (Tara Reid) works.  Things get hairy when another being with supernatural powers attacks him.

Meanwhile one of Carnaby’s friends disappears for some reason and Carnaby thinks this is related to both the man who attacked him and The Abkani.  He decides to team up with his ex and a crack unit of commandos led by his boss, commander Richard Burke to solve the mystery.  This leads him to some stuff about ‘opening a gateway to hell.’

Verdict?

I really don’t know where to start with this movie.  The original game was a dark atmospheric shoot ‘em up cum role-playing game and it was fun.  Think Guillermo Del Toro or David Fincher creating their own demented version of Final Fantasy and your not that far off.  It also added in a first person shooter element so you were right in the thick of the action.

The movie version however, leaves a lot to be desired.  This rips off so many other superior movies and TV shows of its own ilk plot wise, generic doesn’t even cover it.  The creepy kid who has supernatural abilities?  Say hello to ‘The Sixth Sense’ and ‘The X files.”  How about the crack unit of commandos hunting a supernatural monster?  Take a bow ‘Aliens.’ Oh, and all that stuff about ancient remains?  Haven’t seen you for a while ‘Indiana Jones.’  This genre mash up of plots also means that the movie is constantly unsure of what it wants to be.  Action? Horror? Supernatural Thriller? Science Fiction?  Just thinking about it is enough to make your head explode!  A bit like that bloke off Cronenbergs’ ‘Scanners.’

Slater who was once such a promising actor after his breakthrough hit ‘Heathers’ and then went onto work with Tarantino and Tony Scott in the sublime ‘True Romance’ has lost his way in recent years.  Watching this movie you wonder what happened to the guy who was once touted as the new Jack Nicholson.  It’s depressing watching a once promising actor squander his talent in such drivel.  Then there’s the rest of the cast.  Tara Reid looks less an anthropologist and more like a catwalk model.  At one point, she has sex with Carnaby and it’s so laughable and unsexy that it makes the one from the Madonna movie ‘Body of Evidence’ look positively erotic.  Dorff as the leader of the commandos looks about as intimidating as a cuddly toy and just as menacing.

To give it credit, the monster effects aren’t too shabby and some of the gunfights are exciting enough.  There’s also a tiny bit of tension to the main mystery so you can’t really complain on that front.

The Good Bachelor’s Conclusion

So much of this film is uninteresting and unoriginal that I ended up wondering if this was ever going to end.  “We’ve only got four hours left!” shouts one of the commandos in the film’s big climax.  I was under the mistaken impression that this was the amount of time left for the movie to finish.  It really did feel that long and the sooner I blank this sorry excuse of a movie out of my memory, the better!

The worst video game movies ever made – the humble opinion of Shan Cassim bachelor of this parish. Part 1.

Why Video Games Rock!

Video games always have and will be fun.  It’s a fact!  What crazy game-loving geek has not fantasised about being Duke Nukem for a day?  How about that crazy cowboy from Red Dead Redemption?  Maybe you fancy being a Premiership manager for a day a la Championship Manager?

Playing a video game can be a truly interactive experience and does expand your imagination to whole new levels.

Why I Think Game Adaptations Suck!

Movie adaptations of popular video games on the other hand, leave a lot to be desired.  Hollywood has spent so much time and expense trying to produce something that’s vaguely memorable yet the end result is always dire.  What’s the problem?  Games are interactive and it’s fun when you are playing the character.   But when you are watching a Hollywood star play that same character, all the fun and interaction disappears.  It’s  like watching someone play your favourite game when they won’t give you a go.

Some movies are of an exception. Crank and Scott Pilgrim for instance borrow imagery from popular games (GTA, Street Fighter, Final Fantasy etc) and are all the more fun for it.  But these are movies not game adaptations per se.  So who are the worst offenders?  Over the course of the next few days I will name and shame some of them in my reviews.  Hollywood, you have been warned!

10.  Street Fighter:  The Legend of Chun Li  (2009)

You would be forgiven if you had never heard of this monstrosity brought to you by the director who paired Jet Li with rapper DMX twice for “Romeo Must Die” and “Cradle 2 the Grave.” Starring Lana Lang from Smallville and that guy off American Pie.  It’s even worse than it sounds.

The ‘Plot’

The plot (I use the term loosely) goes something like this.  Chun Li is a kid with a talent for playing the piano and the martial arts.  Her world comes crashing down one night. Arch nemesis Bison’s (Neal McDonough) Shadaloo henchmen led by Balrog (Michael Clark Duncan) kidnap her scientist father from their lush mansion in Hong Kong.

Years pass and Chun Li (Kirsten Kreuk) grows up to be a beautiful and talented concert pianist.  It’s worth noting that her father is still kidnapped even at this stage in the story.  (Did her family not think to contact the police?  Maybe they did but the police couldn’t be bothered.  Or maybe the police don’t have a Missing Person’s Unit.  Who knows!) Anyway back to the ‘plot.’  Our heroine receives an ancient scroll at the end of her recital.  She takes it to a fortune-teller and is told to go to Bangkok to fulfil her destiny to become the saviour of the world.  (That old chestnut!)  Chun Li decides to sell her home, (Just like that????) and travels to Bangkok to do just that and look for her father (Finally!).

Meanwhile in Bangkok, evil Bison plots world domination in his swanky headquarters.  His plan is to destroy a shantytown (or at least I think it is) to build office blocks.  There’s also some guff about Bison’s long-lost daughter and smuggling in shipments of a weapon we never ever get  to see being used.  Two cops Nash (Chris Klein) and Maya (Moon Bloodgood) investigate a murder, which predictably leads them to Bison.  Chun Li in the meantime trawls the rough streets of Bangkok still looking for her destiny.  After a brawl with local street punks she is taken under the wing of wise master Gen (Think a youthful Obi Wan without the facial hair) and trains to become the ultimate fighter.

Why This Sucks!

This is one of the more unusual video game adaptations in that it’s actually a rebooted version of the equally horrendous Jean Claude Van Damme vehicle released back in 1994.  It does at least improve on that one by jettisoning the pathetic humour and the production values are an improvement.  Kreuk looks the part of the title character and we get to see how she perfected her famous ‘Spinning Bird Kick,’ which is a bonus for fans of the game (myself included).

Unfortunately, the rest of the film is so bad it’s comical.  It’s worth noting that this is an ‘origin story’ of one of the most popular characters from Capcom’s biggest ‘Beat ‘Em Up’ franchise and tries to go down the route of  ‘Batman Begins,’ ‘Star Trek’ and ‘Casino Royale’ but is nowhere near as fun or imaginative as those movies.  Why? Well those films were brought to you by the director of ‘Memento,’ creator of Television’s ‘Lost,’ ‘Alias’ and ‘Fringe’ and producer of the BBC miniseries ‘The Edge of Darkness’ (which he recently remade) and also gave Bond another reboot in ‘Goldeneye.’  These are maverick directors who have a love, feel and deep understanding for the source material they direct.  You certainly would not see them get away with the kind of slack storytelling, wooden dialogue and acting and the laughable action sequences and special effects that this movie gets away with.  The studios would have their head!  The Chi for instance that Chun Li produces during one of those obligatory training montages looks like glowing tumbleweed.

The other problem is the gaping plot holes.  Why did Bison kidnap Chun Li’s scientist Dad if his aim is to demolish a shantytown and build office blocks?  Is he concerned with the environmental implications of building office blocks?  Would it not have made more sense to hire a real estate agent to do the dirty work?  What is Bison’s connection with Chun Li’s dad?  The scroll says Chun Li must go to Bangkok to ‘save the world’ – from what exactly? Stopping an evil genius from destroying a shantytown is only  small patch of this big wide world – what about the rest of it? Director Andrej Bartkowiak makes no effort to explain these plot holes that show his lack of experience as a storyteller.  It appears as though he only cares about the action sequences and even they are nothing to write home about.  Squint and you can almost see the wirework.  Oh, and it tries to set up a sequel at the end that will surely never come.  Almost like the one we saw in Flash Gordon only not as funny.

The Good Bachelors’ Conclusion

So there we have it.  I could point out other flaws, which this movie has by the truckload, but I won’t.  Nothing makes the slightest bit of sense and I’m not sure I care enough to find out.  “It’s a BOMB!” shouts Chris Klein’s cop at one point.  My sentiments exactly!

I’m sure that with a director more in tune with martial arts (Hero and House of Flying Dagger’s Zhang Yimou for instance), a good adaptation of Street Fighter can be made but I’m not holding my breath!

Has anybody else seen this movie?  Do you agree with me?  Let me know your thoughts in the comments page below.